Mental Health Awareness Month: How to move towards secure attachment styles

If you have been trying to date, chances are you've come across the term ‘attachment style' - be it via social media, or dating applications. It seems as if everyone suddenly wants to know what your attachment style is, and if it is compatible with theirs. But what is it? MehekRohira, a therapist at The Mood Space says that ‘attachment style' is a specific way in which one behaves, responds emotionally and interacts with his partner in their relationship.

There is little doubt that such a thing seems crucial when it comes to a romantic relationship. However, Rohira tells Mid-day Online that while the attachment styles are mostly spoken about in reference to romantic relationships, they also show up in other relationships such as family, friendships and even professional relationships.

Where do they stem from? The mental health expert answers, "These patterns develop during childhood and are based on the interaction between the child and their primary caregiver. This key connection impacts the way a child perceives the relationships around them as they grow up."

For further understanding, Rohira explains four prominent attachment styles:

Secure attachment style
This attachment style develops when one's caregivers are emotionally available during childhood and make the child feel safe, comfortable and protected in the caregiver-child relationship. It stems from a healthy relationship between the child and the caregiver. As an adult, these children often mirror the secure behaviours that they witnessed their caregivers portray.

A person with a secure attachment style is able to build long-term relationships, trust their partner and express and regulate their emotions with ease. They appreciate their close connections, can depend on their partner and yet hold time and space for themselves, are unafraid of boundaries and display flexibility in their relationships. They are good communicators, reflect on their own behaviours and tend to have higher levels of self-esteem.

Anxious attachment style
This attachment style develops when one's caregivers are inconsistent with their behaviours and are not in tune with the child's needs. One's caregivers may also have been switching between being attentive at times, and detached and indifferent at other times. Hence, the child may not have a sense of security and understanding of what to expect from their relationships. As adults, these children grow up feeling insecure, may be overly sensitive and fearful of other people leaving them.

A person with an anxious attachment style is hesitant to form close relationships and afraid of their sentiments not being reciprocated. They are constantly on the lookout for signs of their partner drifting away, display a strong fear of abandonment and take excessive efforts to constantly stay in touch and be in the company of others. They need to be reassured on a regular basis, are sensitive to signs of rejection and tend to have a negative view of themselves.

Avoidant attachment style
This attachment style develops when one's caregivers have been emotionally unavailable, distant or absent during childhood. They may have rejected or been slow to respond to their child's needs, often letting them fend for themselves. As a result, these children grow up to develop a very strong sense of independence and learn to not rely on others for emotional support.

A person with an avoidant attachment style has a hard time forging intimacy and building close connections. They are highly self-sufficient, prefer maintaining distance in their relationships and are emotionally withdrawn from others. They are fearful of trusting others, tend to be non-expressive and are often perceived as "lone wolves". They are uncomfortable with emotional closeness, often believing that they can fulfil their emotional needs by themselves.

Disorganised attachment style
This attachment style develops when one has experienced childhood trauma, extreme neglect or abuse. There may have been inconsistency in caregiver behaviour, where they are sources of comfort, but also a source of extreme fear for the children. These children struggle to develop an emotional bond with their caregivers due to their unpredictable actions. As adults, they are unable to make sense of their relationships and oscillate between anxious and avoidant patterns.

A person with a disorganised attachment style wants to connect with others but ends up building obstacles in their relationships due to their fear of being abandoned. This type of attachment includes individuals who display both an anxious and avoidant attachment style. They exhibit a "push and pull" dynamic; on one hand, craving intimacy, but want to avoid it due to their mistrust of others. They display a strong sense of insecurity and inconsistency in their relationships, have difficulty managing and expressing their emotions and have lower levels of self-esteem. They often look for either extreme closeness or extreme detachment, with no in-between.

Moving towards secure attachment
Anxious, avoidant and disorganised attachment styles are collectively referred to as insecure attachment styles. Now that we understand the different attachment styles, Rohira shares actionable tips to help you move towards a secure attachment style:

1. Understanding your personal attachment style: The first step is to reflect on your personal attachment styles. How do you show up in your relationships? Do you display any of the signs of anxious, avoidant or disorganised attachment styles? Notice your responses, triggers and your patterns as they all have a story to tell. Having an understanding of your personal behaviours is the most important step in making a shift in them.
   
   
2. Deep dive into the past: Understanding where these patterns stem from is a significant step in looking at your behaviours from an adult's perspective. By reflecting on how you grew up and your relationship with your caregivers, you can gain insight into your present patterns and where they come from.
   
   
3. Focus on your self-talk: When you find yourself noticing your thoughts that encourage you to indulge in unhealthy behaviours, talk to yourself. Ask yourself questions like where is this coming from? Why am I feeling fearful? Do I really want to cut myself off from this situation? Your self-talk can go a long way in regulating your behavioural patterns.
   
   
4. Practise emotional regulation: One often tends to act during emotionally charged moments. Taking a step back and trying to regulate one's emotions gives one the time and space to reflect on your future actions. Practising mindfulness, moving one's body and even writing down your thoughts and emotions are some ways to regulate your emotions.
   
   
5. Increased communication: The key to healthy relationships is effective communication. With an increased awareness of one's thoughts, emotions and behavioural patterns, communication is the next step. Communicate your insecurities, your needs and expectations from the relationships and your current state of mind to your partner. This will lead to a better sense of understanding between partners.
   
   
6. Learning from others: Surround yourself with people who display secure attachment styles. Form intentional connections with such individuals. Watch movies and television shows where the characters display healthy patterns of behaviours. You can learn from their actions and model their behaviours.
   
   
7. Ongoing reflection in your relationships: Making the shift to a secure attachment style is an ongoing process. Developing a sense of awareness and regularly reflecting on your relationship patterns is part of this process.
   
   
8. Building self-esteem: Working on your self-esteem is a key part of moving to a more secure attachment style. Focusing on your strengths, identifying the areas in which one excels, and doing things one enjoys are some ways one can work on developing a stronger sense of self. Be kind to yourself and display self-compassion.
   
   
9. Seek professional help: Over and above all, one can always reach out to a professional who can help you understand their attachment styles and patterns in relationships. A professional can help you navigate your thoughts and emotions, and aid in developing healthier and more secure behavioural patterns.

Rohira concludes: "It is okay to display signs of insecure attachment; these attachment styles are not set in stone. As human beings, our relationships are always a work in progress. The first step is awareness and understanding of your patterns, followed by the commitment towards making the shifts in yourself."

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