Going solo: How single parents are saying no to stigma and yes to support

A 2019 report by UN Women shows that in India, 4.5 per cent of all the households are run by single mothers -- that is approximately 130 lakh women. Another estimated 320 lakh single mothers were found to be living in extended families. It is safe to say, therefore, that the concept of a traditional Indian family is gradually witnessing a shift.

Researchers say that single parent households are on the rise across the globe and this also has a substantial impact on the socio-economic structure of the society, in terms of how a child's future shapes up to be. However, many countries are yet to recognise them as a viable family structure.

Delhi-based author, poet and a single-mom Sujata Parashar in her newly launched book Going Solo - Raising Happy Kids, chronicles the experiences, anecdotes and challenges of 50 single parents in India with the aim to create awareness.

Author, poet and single mom Sujata Parashar

In an exclusive conversation with mid-day.com she says, "India, being a traditional society, has stigmatised single parenting for long. Although the scenario is slowly changing, it is still difficult for solo parents to remove the stamp of disapproval easily. While we see some positive examples in society on single parenting, it must be borne in mind that their numbers are still small and mostly limited to high-income groups who have the means and the support system to give proper care to their children."

Single vs. Dual parenting

Single parenting differs from dual parenting in many ways. However, the most common difference is that in the absence of a spouse, the single parent comes to see their child as a source of support, someone whom they can consider their confidant, says Parashar.

Nikita Sulay, psychologist and outreach associate, Mpower - The Foundation, says the difference lies in the societal notion of what parenting should look like. "We have a set notion that there have to be two parents to take care of a child. This notion, of course, is a convenient one as responsibilities, expenses, etc. are shared and joint efforts are taken. Both the ways have their own unique reasons as well as disadvantages. We cannot for sure say one is better than the other."

Challenges of the solo parent

Sulay says the challenges seem to revolve around the fact that a single parent needs to be both a mother and a father to the child. This could be a role overload, adjusting to not only the emotional space but also to the physical space. There could be a tendency in a child to ask where the other parent is and why they aren't seen often. Additionally, teachers need to be sensitive as children tend to get bullied in such scenarios. Children can also develop attachment and trust issues. They may also feel left out in conversations about parents.

Parashar adds that most single parents suffer from the guilt of not doing enough. They are also extra-sensitive towards the feelings of the child. The entire focus then is on providing support to their children in every way, sometimes even in excess. It becomes difficult for them to adhere to reasonable parenting plans or schedules that could be easily followed in two parent households.

Outlining the challenges of a single parent raising a child in a metro city, journalist-author Nandita Puri, who was married to late actor Om Puri for 26 years before they separated, says: "The single biggest problem of raising a child solo in a giant city like Mumbai is when you want some ‘me time' after work and your spouse is not around to babysit." She adds, "Single parents have no choice but to entrust their parents, siblings and in most cases, trusted domestic workers, with the responsibilities of the child. It is hard to spend time away from your child when you are at work or juggling various other responsibilities. The best way to deal with this is to have a strict ‘no work on weekend' policy and taking short vacations whenever possible."

Chairperson of the Om Puri Foundation, Nandita Puri with her son Ishaan Puri

Parashar says loneliness and a lack of purpose is a major fallout for the parent in the later part of the child's life. Single parents may suffer the impact of empty nest syndrome more severely than two married parents. For many such parents, it is their very identity which seems to be lost after their children leave. It's important for single parents to start preparing for this transition much before and maintain a healthy social circle and remain actively engaged in other areas of life.

How to date while parenting

In order to see their children happy, single parents often go out of the way to fulfil their smallest wish. Many of them -- out of guilt or fear of losing their child's love -- avoid thinking about themselves, says Parashar. This belief must be changed. It is normal to seek love and companionship and it, in fact, can help single parents feel better about themselves. One must be able to tune out the guilt. It is important to know that if the single parent is stressed out and distressed all the time, they will not be able to provide a happy home to their child. It's best to start a new relationship only when you are emotionally ready. Involve your child in age appropriate talks or discussions around the topic so that they don't feel left out or cheated when the time finally comes to take the next step. Normalise the entire conversation around dating. It is important to make the child an essential part of all decision-making processes. Children adapt to change better and feel secure when they know things.

Raising them happy

Sulay recommends creating a schedule or routine for the child to be engaged in, using rewards adequately, modelling the communication you wish to see in the child, engaging in a collaborative parenting rather than an authoritative one, taking suggestions and opinions from the child, setting time outs and constructive punishments for bad behaviour, and lastly giving them adequate playtime. Further, create a validating family environment. This means a place where one's emotions and thoughts feel acknowledged and accepted.

Parashar, however, suggests that before single parents focus on positive parenting strategies, it is important for them to recognise, understand and manage their own emotional distress to be able to function well on a daily basis while also providing a nurturing environment to their child.

Negative vibes of the parent can be easily transmitted to children and may lead to serious socio-emotional problems in such kids. To counter such negativities, one must first take care of themselves.

Most single parents have to practically start all over again. They can do with all the help they can get from family, friends and their employers (in case they're working). However, the main areas which are crucial to ensure their wellbeing is emotional and financial stability, says Parashar. Be open about it, she adds. Do not shy away from approaching your family, friends, employer or even the ex-spouse when required. Join a support group and learn finance management.