Kiran Rao recently admitted co-parenting is 'tricky'; Experts share tips to support your children through a divorce

Film personalities Aamir Khan and Kiran Rao share a lighthearted moment in wacky costumes with their son Azad Khan Rao. File pic

In a recent interview, filmmaker Kiran Rao shared a rare glimpse into what co-parenting her son Azad with Bollywood actor Aamir Khan has been like - describing the co-parenting process as ‘tricky' due to her superstar ex-husband's busy schedule, she mentioned doing most of the parenting when the couple was still married, with Khan becoming more involved only since their separation in 2021. Rao's candid revelations struck a familiar chord with many parents, whether together or separated, across the country.

Parent trap
"Co-parenting has certain inherent challenges, regardless of whether the parents are separated or together. Some of the biggest challenges is the distribution of responsibilities - one parent may feel burdened with being assigned most child-related tasks, as Rao did during her marriage to Khan. This imbalance can lead to frustration if one parent is seen as the ‘primary parent' while the other is more of an occasional participant. Over time, this can create resentment and diminish collaborative parenting," points out Namrata Jain, a counselling psychologist. She adds that jealousy between parents and among siblings (if there are multiple children) can be another major concern. For instance, if one parent becomes the ‘fun' or ‘permissive' parent while the other enforces rules, a child might gravitate towards the less disciplinary parent.

Namrata Jain and Dr Naazneen Ladak

Similarly, co-parents may experience jealousy if one parent is perceived as having a closer or stronger bond with the child. "Traditional gender roles often complicate the co-parenting process, especially if societal norms dictate one parent [often the mother] to be the primary caregiver, and the other [often the father] to be the financial provider. These expectations may hamper fathers from developing equal caregiving roles, leaving them feeling less competent in parenting tasks. Mothers, in turn, might become reluctant to relinquish responsibilities or may feel overwhelmed by the load," Jain continues, highlighting that even in modern societies, men may struggle to fully participate in caregiving, not because of a lack of willingness but due to societal stereotypes about masculinity and parenting. She notes that this equation often improves post separation, noting that Khan's scenario isn't an aberration but rather the norm.

Childish concerns
If co-parenting causes constant fights or tension between partners, regardless of their martial scenario, it can harm the child's sense of security, says Dr Naazneen Ladak, a psychiatrist and mental health expert. "Children can feel trapped between their parents or worry they must pick a side. Even if the parents can't always get along, they must stay calm and work together for the child's sake. The focus should always be on creating a safe and loving environment for the child," she says.

Dr Nahid Dave and Dr Samir Dalwai

Jain lays down a few parameters as basic guidelines for all parents.

. Prioritise communication: Clear and respectful communication about parenting goals, child-specific needs and expectations is essential. Avoid using the children as messengers between homes, and instead maintain a direct line of communication to resolve issues quickly.

. Create a consistent routine: Consistency in routines, discipline and expectations across both homes is critical for the child's sense of security. Contradicting each other's rules can lead to confusion and manipulation attempts by the children.

. Focus on the child's well-being, not your feelings: Personal conflicts must take a backseat to the child's emotional and mental needs. This means setting aside differences and creating an atmosphere where children can feel loved, safe, and free from the tension of parental conflicts.

. Set boundaries with new partners: When new partners are involved, it's crucial to have boundaries and clear communication around their role in the children's lives to avoid confusion and feelings of instability.

Dr Ladak notes that while grandparents can be a source of love, security and stability, especially during changes such as separation, their role should support the parents' efforts, and not interfere. If grandparents intervene too much or contradict parenting decisions, it can confuse the child. Clear boundaries are essential to make sure grandparents contribute positively to the child's well-being. At the same time, it's important for everyone involved in the parenting process to not contradict or overrule any ground rules that have been laid down for the child - whether in relation to academics, curfews, extracurricular activities, disciplining or any other aspect that is important to the child's development, says Dr Nahid Dave, a psychiatrist at Thought Matters. "Any deviations must be consented to by the parent who has primary custody of the child. It is important for the secondary parent to not overrule any established boundaries or parameters in the child's presence. Even if you can't be amicable with your separated partner, avoid speaking negatively about them to the child. Do not unload your emotional baggage on the child. Make sure this is also communicated to other family members as well," she clarifies.

Dr Samir Dalwai, a developmental paediatrician and spokesperson for the Indian Academy of Paediatrics, prefers to address co-parenting as a partnership, not just between the spouses but also between the parents and the children, the grandparents, as well as the other individuals who are assigned caregiving duties, including the staff of the household. "It takes a village to raise a child, and today's nuclear family structures mean that the nature of this village is changing. Be mindful of all the links in this chain and the extent of their involvement in the caregiving process," he says.

A case for equality?
While many parents are challenging established norms and are eager to divide responsibilities more equally, the experts agree that parenting doesn't have to be perfectly equal to be effective. "What matters is that both parents are involved in meaningful ways. A parent who spends less time but is fully engaged and emotionally present can make just as much impact. The focus should always be on the child's emotional and mental needs. It's not about dividing time evenly - it's about being there when it matters most," says Dr Ladak. Jain adds that seeking a perfectly equal division of duties may be unrealistic as life circumstances and individual strengths naturally vary between parents. "One parent may excel at helping with academics while the other brings value through emotional support. Successful co-parenting doesn't mean an exact split but rather a balanced involvement where both parents contribute to the child's growth and happiness," she signs off.

Case Studies

Meghna Ghodawat with her family

Have your support system
For entrepreneur Meghna Ghodawat, who is juggling raising two sons with her fledgling businesses, the key to successful co-parenting lies in acceptance and in having the right support systems. "In our family, my husband has always been the financial provider while I am involved in the children's day-to-day routine. My husband spends time with them over the weekends and oversees their sports activities. My parents also play an important role in supporting me, through the journey. I think being clear about my own expectations and delegating certain duties to the staff and the children's grandparents allows us to achieve that perfect balance," she notes.

Shivani Sharma with her son

Taking accountability
AS a single mother, I have realised that when a couple goes through a divorce or a separation, the child faces a lot of emotional distress. What the separated couple must now focus on is the child's emotional stability and happiness. In many cases, a co-parenting arrangement may simply not work out," says Shivani Sharma, a chefpreneur and founder of Gourmestan. "The parent who has been assigned primary custody must take responsibility to give the child a wholesome upbringing. In my case, I have been fortunate to be supported by my mother, with whom my son shares a very close bond. I also ensure that my son participates in several extracurricular activities to help him relieve stress and spend one-on-one time with him so that he can communicate his emotional needs," she concludes.