Koo are you?

Illustration/Uday Mohite

And so, a new social media app has been launched in India called Koo. The aim is to put Twitter out of business and all Indian politicians and celebrities are shifting there.

The first issue to be tackled, is to find an equivalent to the word ‘Tweet'. In other words, when you send message on Koo, is it a ‘Kooweet'? (Sounds too much like a West Asian country). Or a HaiKoo?

The symbol of Koo, as you all know, is a yellow coloured chick-like bird, clearly pitting it against the light blue chubby dove of Jack Dorsey's micro-blogging platform.

But, all is not well with the animals in the wild.

The tigress called a meeting of the beasts in the jungle for an urgent, summit-like conference. In attendance were several representatives from the sub-genres of the bird and mammal world. The idea was to put a petition across to the I&B Ministry. It read: "We, the animals and birds of the jungle, object to the symbol of the yellow chick. This is no bird, but a product of poultry and also it is non-vegetarian. We request you change the symbol and the name."

But then, came the all important issue, what should the symbol be? Which animal was to be represented?

The tigress said, "Okay, each of you candidates have to argue your case in one or two sentences, and we will debate, since the jungle is a democracy. One essential is the name you choose, has to rhyme with ‘Koo'."

First, the cow spoke up, "I should be the face of the app, I am the sacred animal of India, and it should be renamed ‘Moo'."

"Okay, your candidacy is noted," said the Speaker of the House, Baloo the bear.

The crow went next, "Since we should be focussing on birds, I'm by far the most common. I'm like the common man of birds."

"You're genuinely irritating, with your raucous, ‘kaw kawing', people are constantly clapping their hands waving you away," the kite argued. "That's why I thought an appropriate name would be ‘Shoo'," the crow said, self-deprecatingly.

Next, the owl, flew in and staked his claim: "Ladies and Gents, I am wise, I work day and night, 24x7. I recommend that the platform has my face and be renamed, ‘Ulloo'."

"No no, we cannot have Ulloo. That is a Hindi word. The South states will be unhappy. If you have to stake your claim, Mr Owl, you need another name in English."

"Okay, how about you call me and the app, ‘Twit Twoo'," the owl said, wisely.

And then, the peafowl spread her plumage and stated arrogantly, "See, understand, I'm the national bird of India. I have more talent than the whole of Hollywoo, I'm a more glamorous Gal than Wonder Woo and I perform better action stunts than Tom Croo. I demand an app in my honour. Since I have threatened to leave Twitter. Who will leave with me?"

"I will never leave with you, you called me a ‘druggie'," the tigress said.

"You are a ‘druggie'. Why do you think the Narcotics Control Bureau are after you?" the peafowl asked.

"Just because I sleep so much, doesn't mean I take drugs, you fowl, sorry fool!," the tigress roared.

"I don't care what any of you think, I'm the greatest," the peafowl announced.

The tigress smiled and said, "Okay Miss Peafowl, I have the perfect name for the app. One that best describes you and the claims you make!"

"What is name that best describes me?," the peafowl asked, expectantly.

"CucKoo…," the tigress concluded.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com