04 January,2025 07:39 AM IST | Mumbai | Arpika Bhosale
(From left) Chinmay Nevase, Nikita Rakshe, Pratik Bhayani, Meet Shah, Shirin Malshe and Jay Gandhi grew up in the same building in Borivli and reconnected last year. Pic/Anurag Ahire
When Amrita Hom Ray, 37, moved to Mumbai on August 21, 2009 - on her 26th birthday - she had to build her social support system from scratch. Cut to 15 years later, and she now has a wide circle of friends and spent New Year's Eve hopping from one friend's house party to another.
We know what you're thinking. How does she do it?! In this age of hustle culture, living in a city that never sleeps and is all about squeezing maximum productivity from every minute, we hear a constant refrain from people about how hard it is to make new friends or even to make the time to hold on to older friendships.
Ray is one of those "social" people blessed with a friends circle that is as large as it is diverse. "I am told that I'm one of the most social people around, and I do know that I'd like to maintain a big circle," she tells us over the phone.
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As a Mumbaikar, born and raised, this writer has heard many people often use the adage - agar Mumbai ne tumhe apna banaya toh phir kuch nahi bahta (if Mumbai accepts as its own then no other city compares).
So, what's Ray's secret? How did she go from zero friends in the city to scores of them? Ray starts off by breaking the ice - no matter how different the person in front of her may seem.
"When I'd tell people that I hail from Asansol, they wouldn't be able to place it on the map. Even when I told them that my hometown is located in the country's coal belt, it didn't compute," says the Khar resident. Instead of feeling alienated, Ray turned it into a conversation starter. "I would ask them, âHave you watched [the film] Gangs of Wasseypur?' I would tell them that my home is an-hour-and-a-half away from there. People would ooooh and ahhhh and ask me questions like, âSo do things happen there the way it's portrayed in the movie?' It was funny but also a great way to make friends," adds Ray.
Another trick that has held her in good stead is clarity of perspective about how friendships work in the adult world. "I might have a big circle, but not everybody in it is at the same level of intimacy. As an adult, you realise that you can't expect any one person to show up for you every single time. It's practically impossible because everyone is attempting to adult," she explains.
The pressures of functioning as an adult in a fast-paced city life - which constantly places increasing demands on our time and mental bandwidth - has pushed many self-confessed hustlers to put friendships on the backburner. Instead of hour-long phone calls with the bestie, we now unwind to meditation apps that we pay for. Friends we once met every day or at least a few times a month, now instead keep up with what's happening in our lives solely by watching our Instagram stories, while heart-to-heart talks have been replaced by an exchange of reels on social media. But nothing can replace the warmth of a conversation or a hug from a friend.
Research, too, has revealed that lack of friendship can wreak devastation on both mental and physical health. For example, according to the a meta-analysis of surveys across more than three lakh people by Julianne Holt-Lunstad, PhD (a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Brigham Young University) back in 2010, it came to light that those with no friends or poor-quality friendships are twice as likely to die prematurely - a risk factor even greater than the effects of smoking 20 cigarettes per day.
And, a lot of millennials now are feeling the heat from pushing away their support system of friends.
As we step into 2025, a lot of conversation has been centred around friendships and how people are now reconnecting with old friends in an effort to rekindle their social circles.
Nikita Rakshe, 29, is one of those people who reconnected with childhood friends from her building over the last two years. Four of them are now her go-to guy friends, along with a two girlfriends who have once again become her emotional rock. "It's not like we had a huge falling out or something, but the fact is that when we start working [we drifted apart]. Our 20s became about achieving big career goals, and one often needs to put on blinders to achieve them," says Rakshe.
It was last year, when Rakshe took a break from a full-time job as a social media consultant and began to branch out on her own as a content creator that she had more agency over her time. So was the reconnect planned or random, we ask her. "We just met one day and we initiated a conversation around how I felt that a lot of times, many of my friends had not understood just how busy work was for me. Sometimes someone would even playfully say that I never had time to meet up, and that hurt me," she recalls.
"Most of us are around the same age, with maybe two to three years between us. When the youngest in the group began to work, it was then that they understood just how much of our life - especially in our 20s - is spent at work. We have now moved forward, and I think everyone has made a conscious decision to make time for each other," she adds.
One of the friends Rakshe reconnected with is Jay Gandhi, a 28-year-old Chartered Accountant who was one of the first to move out of the building. He now lives in Dahisar. "The reconnection has been so fulfilling for all of us. It's different when you hang out with friends who knew you as a kid, before the hustle began. You feel like these friends knew you from when you were a fresh slate, and they will never judge you. There is great comfort in that," says Gandhi.
A mark of their commitment to rekindling the friendship is that the fabled "group trip" actually made it out of WhatsApp group chats and into reality. "Last year, we went on our first big trip to Spiti Valley," says Gandhi, "A few years ago, Nikita had wanted to go there but had to return midway because of a natural disaster. So last year, we decided that we would make this happen for her and go along with her. It was such a great experience."
Nirav Mehta turns 34 this month, but it's not just inching closer to 35 that prompted him to rethink his friendships. "The COVID-19 pandemic was a great purger of friendships. I was ghosted by people from whom I hadn't expected it, which hurt. It was a bit hurtful. But on the other hand, my college friends reached out to me," says Mehta.
"I had changed colleges in my second year, so I often felt like the others in the group were closer as they had been together since the first year. But recently, there was a get-together and they invited me. I was surprised at first, but was happy about the invite. I went ahead and met them and it was just a great experience," adds the Dadar resident.
Mehta went through another major life change in 2021 - he got married. "When you get married, keeping up both friendships and a career gets even tougher. So, you do need to make that extra effort to make time, which I have consciously been trying to do," he explains.
He recommends showing grace to old friends who may have drifted apart but are now making an effort to reconnect. "I don't judge anyone who might have been out of touch and is now trying to reconnect after a decade. I think you have to remain open and not take it too personally when friends don't stay in touch - they might be on a journey of their own," he adds.
Keeping in touch is all the harder for those who now have children to care for, but becoming a mother only served to open Kasturi Paradkar's eyes to the healing and affirming power of female friendships.
"I think when we're younger, we tend to underestimate the importance of centering female friendships. Managing friendships gets harder when you get married, especially if you have to move cities, which is what happens with most women when they get married. I moved from Mumbai to Pune a few years ago, and then had a baby," recalls the 36-year-old.
Despite the distance, though, her friends have remained a strong support system. "I honestly don't remember the last time I met my girlfriend, but I know that on every New Years Eve, they will let me know they are thinking of me," she says.
In Pune, too, she made it a point to surround herself with friends. "While most of my life revolves around raising my child, I have made sure that I have single friends who know what I need. Sometimes it's them calling me to say, âHey, come have a drink with us, and you'll feel better'. Other times, they'll give me a reality check," she says.
These mini-breaks with her friends help her recharge so she can go back to the demands of being a mom. "A month ago, I was in a space where I felt like I just couldn't do it anymore. My friend called me to the neighborhood bar, and we had drinks. She made me stay over at her place, made me coffee and breakfast the next morning. It was exactly what I needed," recalls Paradkar.
It's not enough to merely send reels to each other and then claim you are friends, she says. "I might send reels to some people I work out with at the gym, but that is not a substitute for keeping in touch, which is what one must do with really good friends," she adds.
Of course, not all friends contribute to your life positively and. Friendships are important to Paradkar, but when an equation is not healthy, she knows the only things to do is to cut off that toxic friendship. "In some friendships, you know that it is not worth your energy. Cutting off that friendship may bother me for six months, but if I've given that person time to make amends and they still haven't responded, I make peace with the fact that it's time to move on," she says.
With most of us trying to balance our careers and friendships, how does one do it successfully? Radhika Dhawan is a mindset coach whose clientele comprises ambitious men and women whom she helps in manifesting their career goals and then achieving them. "People don't think of friendship as an important facet. Even though it doesn't seem like it, friends are the only âfamily' that you can choose and decide to be with," she says.
A lot of the fallout among her clients and their friends seems to be because many have checklists going into a friendship, "I feel like a lot of people go into friendships with their own checklists, and friends don't work that way. Not all the people you are friends with are the same. So they're not always going to tick all your boxes and this is something we need to understand - as people who want to continue to have friends - otherwise a lot of people will just not have friends. At the same time, I feel that highly driven people need to find what you call your tribe. Right? Eventually, you find a bunch of people who are equally driven, who understand your work, who will support you with what you're doing, who will push you in the right direction. But we should also understand that sometimes people might not have friends who are exactly like them," she adds.
Dhawan predicts that the conversation around friendships in India will get bigger in the next few years, "I think, we are yet to have the big conversations, but I feel like in the next few years, we will, because we are moving in that direction. We are understanding the value of friendship beyond just the daily grind of life," she says.
A recent show that seemed to come closest to what many of us feel on the subject is the Sumeet Vyaas-directed web series Raat Jawaan Hai. The story is centred around three friends - one man and two women - and how they navigate being first-time parents, as well as their dynamics with their spouses.
The series is refreshing for its light storyline, a welcome change from the trend of thriller, crime or shows that are centred around greed, ambition or outmanoeuvring someone. "My wife and I found that whenever we wanted to sit and kick back with a show that we don't have to think too much about, we couldn't find it," says Vyaas, who himself became a parent recently. The Barun Sobti, Priya Bapat-starrer has gained quite a following and surprised everyone on how it tackles everyday issues of parenting and careers. "A lot of people forget that Mumbai has its own small town culture too. We grew up with our building and school friends. We still live in those same areas and there is a culture of friendship dear to us. The series is an ode to that part of Mumbai, the fun-loving easy friendship and calm company that some of us are lucky enough to retain," adds Vyaas.
"People have lifelong friendships in Bombay too and know how to treasure them," he says while signing off.
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The risk of premature death in people with no friends or poor-quality friendships
'Source: Julianne Holt-Lunstad [Brigham Young University, 2010]
