“So what’s the mission, Lobo Lobo, and who is this team you refer to?” I asked fascinated
Illustration/Uday Mohite
Lobo Lobo came over dressed in a Commando outfit, wearing face paint, and brandishing a massive steel chopper.
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“Lobo Lobo, why do you look like Arnold Schwarzenegger in ‘Predator’?”
“Dikuna men, akshully, I was hoping you’d said Marlon Brando in ‘Apocalypse Now’, but Arnie’s okay, socko muscles he has.”
“Where did you get that, uhm, unusual ‘outfit’ from?”
“Arrey men, I rented it from our Maganlal Dresswalla in Virar… it’s called ‘D’Souza’s Deadly Dresses and Dance’… Desmond’s wife Constantine teaches all dances, cha-cha-cha, foxtrot and tango and de takloo bugger Dessie supplies all dese fancy dress outfits.”
“And did Desmond supply that chopper too?”
“No Bossie dat belongs to my better-half Myrtle, she uses to cut de poke and de chickens men, and to treaten de neighbours.”
“And why are you dressed like this specifically?”
“See Bossie, me and my team have been commissioned by a secret organisation ‘DTDV’—‘Destroy Dat Damn Virus’.”
“So what’s the mission, Lobo Lobo, and who is this team you refer to?” I asked fascinated.
“See men, after dis Delta-Shelta virus strain… everwun is talking ’bout dis udder one called ‘AamirKhan’ virus.”
“‘AamirKhan’ virus?” I enquired, confused.
“Arre men Dikuna… how to pronounce only… sounds like Aamir Khan, no? Omnicrown… Omnicorn… Omniunicorn… Omnibus… OhMyCrown... it sounds like a Japanese A/C men… why dey can’t give simple names like Apollo-13 or Vicky or Katrina or KatVic?”
“Lobo Lobo, can you stay with the programme? What is your mission, why has DTDV commissioned you?”
“See men… you know dat dis blessed Omelettecron has evolved and survives in de jungles of South Africa. De plan is my team like Arnie’s Commando outfit in ‘Predator’ have to parachute into de jungles, destroy Omsweetom at de source and come back in one piece.”
“Sounds dangerous—Who are the other team members accompanying you?”
“Dikuna men, I have a very specialised unit… most of dem are ex-footballers from my Glaxo team of de 1980s… eeech is now specialised, and qualified in some aspect of biological warfare—Taqdeer Aslam, for instance, has a catering business in Bhendi Bazaar, but he is 7.1 ft tall, so he is like one walking submarine periscope, he can see what is approaching. He grewed up on de footpaths of Dongri, so he has developed de sixt sense.
Den dere is Sandipan Bandopadyaya (SandyDa) who is a human Oxymeter, and thermometer, he is unique in that he got COVID twice after taking both vaccine shots, flu shots and booster shots, he now feels he can tink like de virus… like ornithologists speak to birds, SandipanDa is a virusologist… he can communicate to Omnivores… sorry Omnicron. Dey have been having a cat and mouse game, like Bond and Blofeld! De udder day, Omni called SandyDa on WhatsApp and he gave one challenge—‘Come find me, I give you 48 hours, then I will infect your full India!’ Den dere is Jignesh Jhunjunwalla (Jiggy), he is a PubG expert, he will be flying de helicopter!”
“And you Lobo Lobo what is your special gift?” I asked.
“Dikuna men, I am like a Ninja cum Samurai… all my experience, na, climbing on walls and terraces to fix dish antennas, I am like Spiderman—see we have been told dat dere is a particular jungle, where de virus has his ‘den’—inside one big cave… it houses de main laboratory where Omni has evolved... if we can destroy dat na, den de world will be rid of Ommagummacron! But one ting is for certain, I have to return back by 0.700 hours tomorrow, mission accomplished, come what may, dese are orders from WHO!”
“Wow Lobo Lobo, by WHO you mean, World Health Organisation, right?”
“No chhe men… WHO is ‘Wife at Home Office!’ She had made special special Crumb Fried Oysters for me!”
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at [email protected]
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