Relationship experts discuss intimacy deal breakers and offer solutions

Past traumas, unresolved issues or personal baggage can impact intimacy, often appearing as emotional walls or difficulty in forming deep connections

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Ayesha and Karan (names anonymised), a couple in their early 30s, have been married for five years and call Mumbai their home. Their relationship, once filled with passion and excitement, is now fueled with challenges due to intimacy issues. Not only has their companionship dwindled, but their ability to gauge each other’s expectations has gone for a toss, leaving both partners frustrated.

Ayesha yearns for emotional closeness and physical intimacy as an expression of love. While Karan, burdened by the pressures of work and the urban lifestyle, struggles to comprehend the depth of Ayesha's desires. The duo has reached a deadlock as one partner struggles to understand the needs of the other, creating a rift between them.

This brings us to the question: Are couples in the urban landscape dealing with intimacy issues? Mumbai-based relationship coach, Anjali Tyagi informs, “Couples in metro cities are indeed grappling with intimacy issues. Additionally, the post-Covid era has witnessed a 10-20 per cent surge of couples actively seeking professional help to address their intimacy challenges.”

The disconnect has led to a less-talked-about intimacy crisis, culminating in an emotional distance between partners, who are stuck in a seemingly unsolvable situation. To find the pathway ahead, Midday reached out to relationship experts, dissecting the intricate factors and causes contributing to intimacy deal breakers.

Common intimacy deal breakers
Intimacy deal breakers can vary from one relationship to another, as they are often deeply personal and depend on individual preferences, needs and boundaries. Shatavisha Majumdar, consultant clinical psychologist from Cadabams Mind Talk shares common intimacy deal breakers in relationships:
1. Lack of communication: Poor communication can manifest as a failure to openly express feelings and personal desires. It can lead to dissatisfaction and emotional distance.
2. Emotional neglect: Neglecting one another's emotional needs can manifest as a lack of affection, support or empathy, leaving one or both partners feeling unfulfilled.
3. Sexual incompatibility: Mismatched sexual desires or frequency can be a cause of frustration and resentment, potentially becoming a deal breaker.
4. Trust issues: These can manifest through jealousy, suspicion or betrayal, eroding the foundation of trust essential for intimacy.
5. Unresolved conflict: Frequent unresolved conflicts and ongoing tension can hinder emotional closeness and lead to a breakdown in the relationship.
6. Different life goals: If partners have fundamentally different long-term goals or values, it can create a disconnect that jeopardises intimacy.
7. Emotional baggage: Past traumas, unresolved issues or personal baggage can impact intimacy, often appearing as emotional walls or difficulty in forming deep connections.

Factors that affect a person's libido
Fluctuations in hormone levels, such as those that occur during pregnancy, menopause, or due to medical conditions, can impact libido. High levels of stress or chronic fatigue, health conditions like diabetes, obesity or cardiovascular problems, lack of exercise, alcohol and drug abuse, persistent pain or illness can diminish the desire for physical intimacy.
“Societal expectations and traditional gender roles can also play a role in making it difficult for some men to open up about intimacy when they are depressed,” informs Tyagi. Depression often leads to a range of emotional and psychological symptoms, such as low self-esteem, thereby pushing a person into feelings of hopelessness, and difficulty in speaking about intimacy issues.
Natural age-related changes, such as a decrease in sex hormones, can also affect libido. Additionally, worries about work, finances or other life concerns can be distracting. Conflicts, unresolved problems or emotional distance within the relationship can dampen desire. Negative body image can also result in reduced confidence.

The case of mismatched expectations
Differing expectations regarding intimacy can lead to conflict when one partner expects more emotional or physical closeness than the other, shares Majumdar. For instance, one partner may want daily expressions of affection, while the other prefers more personal space. One partner may want to talk openly about their feelings, while the other prefers a more reserved approach, causing a breakdown in communication.

These discrepancies can lead to hurt feelings and resentment where one partner feels neglected, unloved or pressured. Differing views on personal space and boundaries can create conflict too. One partner might believe in sharing everything, while the other values their independence and personal time, leading to disagreements about what is considered "too close" or "too distant." If one partner sees intimacy as a precursor to long-term commitment, while the other views it as a more casual aspect of the relationship, it can lead to a misalignment of expectations and potential conflict.

Does emotional intimacy matter?
When partners avoid discussing important topics like emotional needs, sexual desires, boundaries or past issues, it can create a lack of understanding and emotional distance. When partners don't actively listen to each other's concerns or when one partner shuts down or refuses to engage in a conversation – it makes the other partner feel unheard and unimportant, damaging emotional connection.

Keeping secrets, hiding feelings or failing to disclose important information can create a lack of trust and emotional intimacy. Expecting a partner to know one's needs without clear communication, using critical or accusatory language, frequent interruptions, resorting to passive-aggressive behaviours, avoiding taking responsibility for one's actions or shifting blame, discussing sensitive topics at inappropriate times, dismissing a partner's emotions, downplaying their concerns can lead to the break down of intimacy at an emotional level.

What role do past traumas play?
Individuals with past traumas may struggle to trust their partners fully. This lack of trust can manifest as suspicion, jealousy or a general hesitancy to be vulnerable, all of which hinder intimacy. Traumatic experiences can lead to the creation of emotional walls or barriers as a coping mechanism that prevent individuals from opening up, sharing their feelings, and forming deep emotional connections with their partners.

“Sometimes, people unconsciously reenact patterns of trauma in their current relationships. This can lead to repetitive and destructive behaviours. Fear of triggering past trauma while discussing sensitive topics can result in avoidance, which can impede healthy communication”, adds Tyagi. Certain situations or actions by a partner may trigger painful memories or emotions associated with past traumas.

Couples can address these challenges through open and safe communication, establishing clear boundaries and mutually agreed-upon rules for communication and emotional support, actively acknowledging, addressing and confronting one's trauma with an individual therapist, couples therapy, and mutual support.

Overcoming sexual incompatibility
When partners have significantly different levels of sexual desire, it can lead to underwhelming emotions and dissatisfaction. One partner may feel neglected or pressured, while the other may feel overwhelmed or resentful. Mismatched sexual preferences, such as varying interests or kinks, can create tension if one partner's desires are not met or if they find their partner's preferences uncomfortable or unfulfilling.

Sexual compatibility can be affected by performance problems, such as erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. However, Majumdar remarks that sexual compatibility can change over time and that it's not the sole determinant of a healthy and fulfilling relationship. A willingness to adapt and evolve together is key to addressing sexual compatibility issues. The first and most crucial step is to openly discuss sexual desires, boundaries, and concerns.

Partners can work together to find a balance between their desires and preferences through honest and non-judgmental conversations. Prioritising emotional connection and non-sexual bonding can help maintain closeness even when sexual compatibility is a challenge. If communication or compatibility issues persist, seeking the guidance of a sex therapist or couple therapist can be highly beneficial.

Ways to address intimacy issues
1. Continually engage in open and honest conversations about your feelings, needs and desires.
2. Discuss what makes you feel close and loved, as well as any concerns or issues that may arise.
3. Set aside quality time for each other regularly like date nights, weekend getaways or simply spending evenings together without distractions.
4. Physical touch and affection, such as hugs and cuddling, surprising your partner with gestures of love and appreciation can keep the romance alive.
5. Find common hobbies or activities you both enjoy. While shared activities are important, it's also crucial to maintain individuality and personal space.
6. Use conflict resolution skills that promote understanding and compromise rather than escalation. Periodically assess your relationship and discuss what's working and what could be improved.
7. Recognise that you are two distinct individuals with your own interests and lives. Respect your partner's autonomy and encourage their personal growth and independence.
8. Shared values are essential for a strong, lasting connection. Embrace these differences in opinions, interests or background and use them as opportunities for personal growth and learning
9. Be reliable, keep your promises and demonstrate trustworthiness. Avoid actions that could undermine trust, such as dishonesty or secrecy.
10. Allow the relationship to develop naturally. Invest time in getting to know your partner's values, beliefs and life goals.
11. Celebrate and appreciate the small, everyday moments in your relationship. Take care of yourself both physically and emotionally.